Dear T-----,

Let's attack Josephine. Let's come at her sideways, edging around the building, taking her by surprise when she's at the drinking fountain. Or let us take a more forward approach, threatening her with a baseball bat or a large axe. Alternatively, we could destroy her family first, or her closest friends. Any of these possibilities might bear fruit.

When shall we attack Josephine? Nighttime would be most dramatic, but daytime would gain us the greatest infamy. In fact, were we to attack her immediately after lunch, we would surely appear on the evening news. However, other times have their advantages. At 5 pm we could bring along some light music to soothe her during the attack. At 1 am we could engage in pre-attack festivities without fear of being noticed. It is a difficult decision. I look forward to your advice.

After the attack, we could go anywhere. I lean heavily towards a Burger King or an all-night bowling alley; I know you prefer a more cultured retreat, to a townhouse on the lakeshore or to your rich uncle's mansion near the mountains--I simply do not agree. Of course, Josephine will never know of our fundamental difficulties in resolving this particular dispute. To her, our present and future locations mean nothing. She has never seen us, and will never see us again. Our presence in her life is confined to that one sharp brutal moment when we launch our offensive against her.

It is possible that she will not understand the significance of the attack until months or years afterwards. This is unfortunate but unavoidable.

I hope you are in good health and able to join me in the attack upon Josephine. Please convey my regards and best wishes to your family.

Your friend always,

L-----.