- WHEN Melinda Berry collapsed inward upon herself,
forming a very small black hole that destroyed
the entire Town & Country Plexorama last week, doctors
suggested that she was insufficiently self-repellent.
To prevent the phenomenon from spreading, teenagers
in the area were encouraged to ruin their self-image
whenever possible. The program was quite successful,
but this technique has seemed to generate more, rather
than fewer, singularities.
- SOMETHING told John Webb he should jump
aside--and he did, right into the path
of a speeding car. He was pronounced
dead at the scene.
- THE MOTHER and father of a young child who was
found huddled in a dumpster near 3rd and Broadway
denied that the child was human. Strange tubular
protrusions from the child's eyelids seemed to
confirm this claim, and sheriff's deputy Will
Tarkenton executed the child by lethal injection
later in the evening.
- "FUCK you," yelled Terry Johanssen, 23, while
severely beating a man he was robbing in an
alleyway. The reason for his verbal outburst
is unknown.
- "UNDERNEATH every billboard is a rotting
corpse"--or so the ancient saying goes. Pamela
Stinson decided to put this old wives' tale
to the test. On her cross-country survey of
major highways, passing through 27 states, she
discovered that 73% of all billboards had
rotting corpses beneath them. "It's an
impressive figure," says Stinson, tongue
planted firmly in cheek--"but it's hardly
all of them."
- TODAY'S MAN is healthy, agile, robust, arrogant,
sweaty, glassy-eyed, opinionated, simple, forgetful,
faithful, and socialist, according to a study
released today by Ricker & Sons. Today's woman,
by contrast, is sickly, clumsy, fatigued, unassuming,
dry, alert, wishy-washy, complex, retentive, fickle,
and fascist.
- WEATHER: Abusive today through Saturday,
with a chance of amnesty on Sunday. A
betrayal advisory is in effect through
six o'clock this evening; watch for heavy
derision on the roads, and be sure to
bear studded crosses.
- THOUGHT for the day:
"In the universe,
humanity is softer than a whisper,
humanity is smaller than a comma,
humanity is lighter than a leaf.
Do not presume to encompass the universe,
but rather, to all things grant their due
respect."
-- J. Edgar Hoover,
Poems and Songs (1952)
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