"Complaining About the Telephone Service" in the style of...

Ma Bell Needs Liposuction

"Okay, so what IF Jimmy has a bigger penis than mine. Is that why you always gave him more milk?...Wait a sec, mom, someone's at the door...while you're waiting, let me turn on some Muzak for you. It's `Prosopagnosia' by the Visceral Abortion Leftovers arranged for synthesized woodwind orchestra, I know you'll love it...

"Okay, I'm back. It was just a guy I know with a relationship problem. It seems he and his girlfriend had been practicing The Way of the Quantum Light Breath, an ancient mystical technique involving sitting in an odd position known as The Narwhal and concentrating very hard on your pineal gland while dismembering a live rodent, but very slowly. It's supposed to lead to weight loss--they're both really obese--a more impressive speaking voice, and greater ejaculation volume. The whole thing takes at least five hours. Anyway, he and his girlfriend were about halfway through when she suddenly had a seizure. He grabbed the nearest thing handy and jammed it into her mouth--it was a small fake water-squirting slot-machine that she had won from a group of Hassidic Jews at Purim last year because they liked her crucified aardvark costume.

"Anyway, when she came out of it, she ran out of the house at an amazing speed, considering her weight. He followed her into a drugstore downtown, where she started grabbing random pills off the shelves and eating them. She must've taken a hundred pills. Then she started to grow, just like Alice. Her clothing split at the seams. Electricity shot out of her eyes, nearly frying a nearby group of tourists from Inner Mongolia. (Luckily, they had been spiritually protected against just such an attack.) She lumbered around the city, knocking over buildings and roaring.

"Then she started ripping up telephone poles and impaling people on them. She must've disabled at least twenty major prefixes. But here's the really strange thing--when the telephone company workers would come out to try to fix the damage, as soon as they caught sight of her they'd fall into a trance. They'd run towards her, climb up to her breasts, and start nursing. And she wouldn't kill them, either--after awhile she'd pick them off and deposit them on the ground, very gently, where they would fall into a deep sleep. Interviews with the servicepersons involved later revealed that they felt an incredible oneness with everything as they drank her milk, as if they were at the center of an infinitely complex web of interconnections. They could understand every voice, interpret every modem carrier tone, and visualize every fax transmission they heard all at once.

"But as she kept growing and growing, something happened, and she started getting too big even for her skin. Finally she just exploded. They're still cleaning up huge chunks of her thigh downtown, and I understand that portions of her pancreas are being sold at souvenir shops, along with certificates of authentication, for $5 a piece.

"So anyway, after that happened, this friend of mine got another girlfriend, but now everytime they have sex he can't get an erection unless he plays a tape with Cliff Robertson's voice on it, and his girlfriend can't stand it.

"So how's things with Dad these days?...Hello?...Hello?...Shit." I ripped the phone out of the wall and threw it through the window. It fell twenty-three stories and landed on a hearse whose occupant had died waiting for 911 to answer. Bad move.

-- not by Mark Leyner, not from "Oh, Please Give Me a Colostomy, Mistress: Confessions of a Surgery Fetishist"

© 1997-2001 Narciso Jaramillo absurdities | dyslexikon | nj's face