of note
  • WHEN Melinda Berry collapsed inward upon herself, forming a very small black hole that destroyed the entire Town & Country Plexorama last week, doctors suggested that she was insufficiently self-repellent. To prevent the phenomenon from spreading, teenagers in the area were encouraged to ruin their self-image whenever possible. The program was quite successful, but this technique has seemed to generate more, rather than fewer, singularities.

  • SOMETHING told John Webb he should jump aside--and he did, right into the path of a speeding car. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

  • THE MOTHER and father of a young child who was found huddled in a dumpster near 3rd and Broadway denied that the child was human. Strange tubular protrusions from the child's eyelids seemed to confirm this claim, and sheriff's deputy Will Tarkenton executed the child by lethal injection later in the evening.

  • "FUCK you," yelled Terry Johanssen, 23, while severely beating a man he was robbing in an alleyway. The reason for his verbal outburst is unknown.

  • "UNDERNEATH every billboard is a rotting corpse"--or so the ancient saying goes. Pamela Stinson decided to put this old wives' tale to the test. On her cross-country survey of major highways, passing through 27 states, she discovered that 73% of all billboards had rotting corpses beneath them. "It's an impressive figure," says Stinson, tongue planted firmly in cheek--"but it's hardly all of them."

  • TODAY'S MAN is healthy, agile, robust, arrogant, sweaty, glassy-eyed, opinionated, simple, forgetful, faithful, and socialist, according to a study released today by Ricker & Sons. Today's woman, by contrast, is sickly, clumsy, fatigued, unassuming, dry, alert, wishy-washy, complex, retentive, fickle, and fascist.

  • WEATHER: Abusive today through Saturday, with a chance of amnesty on Sunday. A betrayal advisory is in effect through six o'clock this evening; watch for heavy derision on the roads, and be sure to bear studded crosses.

  • THOUGHT for the day:

    "In the universe,
    humanity is softer than a whisper,
    humanity is smaller than a comma,
    humanity is lighter than a leaf.
    Do not presume to encompass the universe,
    but rather, to all things grant their due

    -- J. Edgar Hoover, Poems and Songs (1952)

© 1997-2001 Narciso Jaramillo absurdities | dyslexikon | nj's face